Some life updates

studying the science of flourishing and building a modern town square

this season of life

Lately, I've been navigating a season of change and transition. At the culmination of metamorphosis, the caterpillar sheds its skin as its body dissolves into a primordial, gooey nothingness. In this process, the butterfly fortifies its wings as it grapples with the chrysalis, emerging only when it’s ready to take flight.

In the chrysalis of my sabbatical, I lost and found myself again and again, confronting and shedding old identities to make space for my becoming. Only by surrendering to the darkness could I find my path toward a new light.

I'm under no illusion that this is my final metamorphosis. There is no valedictory to our evolution, only a continuous unfolding into who we are becoming. I'm excited to share with you where my latest unfolding has led me.

tl;dr: I’m studying the science of human flourishing at the University of Pennsylvania in the Master of Applied Positive Psychology program and building a modern town square at The Commons as our General Manager.

Early on in my sabbatical, with the freedom to spend my time however I desired, I began to observe who I was in flow and in ease. I learned that despite being self-aware, I had not appreciated just how out of alignment my prior existence was with the life I wanted to cultivate.

I learned that morning stillness is precious to me. That I love starting my days writing and lost in thought. That I could deepen my meditation practice in new ways. That my shadows desperately wanted to make themselves known to me. That my triggers shined a light on all the ways I was not yet free. That my ambition was sourced from a dirty fuel and a belief that my worthiness was benchmarked to my productivity. That I can only find belonging by first belonging to myself. That I was out of touch with my grief. That I had spent a lifetime shoulding myself.

These revelations led me to reorient how I spent my time and invested my energy. I gave myself the freedom to explore curiosities I’d once dismissed as useless. I began to approach life as a series of experiments, letting go of the notion that there was one way of being, living, and working that suited me.

I spent my early mornings writing with the intent to publish — something I had only recently mustered the courage to do — after years of relegating my words to a private journal, despite having been an avid writer in childhood. At some point, it had become clear that pursuing writing wasn’t a viable career path, as if every single thing I did had to have an associated economic value, so I put down my pen and stopped self expressing through written word.

In rekindling my love for writing, I reconnected with the inner voice I’d suppressed, and by getting in touch with my unbridled self, I felt emboldened to chase other curiosities and intellectual pursuits.

grappling with flourishing

It was during this time that I became conscious of my love for psychology. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by our human nature and the inner workings of our soul. This fascination manifested as a voracious appetite for all things “self-improvement” and “personal development.” In my twenties, I consigned this interest to a side quest, reading as many books on the topic as possible, but only in my spare time. I had a narrow view of what I might do with psychology — I didn't necessarily want to become a psychologist so instead, I singularly focused my career on lucrative pursuits like finance and technology.

In the course of a conversation with a friend, I stumbled across the work of Dr. Martin Seligman, the founder of the field of positive psychology. I was deep in my journey inwards, pondering what flourishing meant to me. I picked up one of his books and quickly devoured Flourish.

One quote in particular reverberated within me, planting a seed of possibility:

If we want to flourish and if we want to have well-being, we must indeed minimize our misery; but in addition, we must have positive emotion, meaning, accomplishment, and positive relationships. The skills and exercises that build these are entirely different from the skills that minimize our suffering.

— Martin Seligman, Flourish

The book awakened me to the fact there was an entire research field dedicated to shifting the focus of modern psychology. Following World War II, the spotlight has largely been on curing the pathologies of anxiety, depression, and PTSD, attempting to move us from -1 to 0.

While this work is absolutely critical, we’d spent little time considering what happens when we reach 0. It's not enough to simply pursue arriving at baseline — what about moving from -1 to 1? That path is going to look entirely different. Reducing suffering is just the first step of raising the bar for our existence.

Relative to other sciences, positive psychology is in its infancy with Marty first formally establishing the field in 1998 during his term as the president of the American Psychological Association. As I dove into Marty’s work, I became interested in the idea of studying positive psychology with him. The privilege of studying with the founder of a field and his contemporaries is rare in most disciplines today — so when I discovered he still taught a graduate program, it felt like a stroke of fate.

a masterclass in the science of flourishing

And that’s how I found myself on Penn’s campus at the start of last month, beginning the Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program. The program, a full-time hybrid model, brings me to Penn once a month to learn from leading scholars pioneering the field.

On our first day of class, Marty shared the day marked the 60th anniversary of him arriving at Penn to begin his PhD that would pave the way for the discipline. It’s hard to articulate how meaningful it feels to have the honor to be at the edge of the field, grappling with the theory and science of flourishing, on the campus where it was first established.

How I intend to actualize the theory feels equally poetic.

Penn is situated in the city where our founding fathers established our young nation, breathing life into ideals and principles that serve as the bedrock of daily life in America. I’m often struck by the reality that everything that exists in our material world originated from a single idea in someone’s mind.

In the Bay Area, we have the privilege of existing at the frontier of human progress. Several times a day, I pass by self-driving cars or interact with AI technologies poised to revolutionize our lives in ways we have yet to fully comprehend.

Penn was the first university established in America to offer a holistic curriculum including science, public service, and commerce — a departure from the singular focus on theology that the first four US academic institutions delivered. Benjamin Franklin, the visionary behind many of America’s earliest civic institutions, was instrumental in ushering in a new era of academia that ultimately laid the groundwork for higher education as we know it.

Franklin also played a critical role in establishing the Library Company of Philadelphia (America’s first lending library), Union Fire Company (one of the original volunteer fire departments), and the American Philosophical Society (a nexus for scholarship). Many of these ideas were conceived, debated, and incubated at his Junto, an informal club where he convened with fellow intellectuals, artisans, and tradesmen to discuss solutions to civic problems of their time.

Now, nearly 300 years later, in the face of the meaning, loneliness, and meta crises, we find ourselves with the opportunity to reimagine and reshape our modern day institutions to better support our collective flourishing.

building a commons

Two and a half years ago, two of my friends,

Patricia Mou

and Adi Melamed, founded The Commons, a third space dedicated to self-exploration, meaning-making, and self-expression in the heart of San Francisco.

It was intended as an experiment in envisioning what our community’s dream third space could be. With the help of our friends, Rose and Jason, who found the space and the local community who donated and loaned funds to secure the lease, The Commons opened its doors in August 2022. Alongside 100 other founding members, I joined the community, ready to co-create our experience together.

Early on, much of our programming was curated by our members. Our calendar was filled with intellectual salons, artist circles, meaning-making juntos, and film nights. My evenings were spent having lively and intimate discussions with new and old friends. Slowly, my horizon for what was possible expanded. At the time, I was co-hosting SF’s Writing Club on Sundays. I began experimenting with hosting my own community events, book clubs, and salon series from identity work to shadow work.

Prior to The Commons, I had spent most of my journey inward in solitude. I was doing the work, but only when I began sharing my experiences with others on their own paths did I begin to observe a discernible change in my way of being. Part of healing was excavating and making conscious my shadows, triggers, and old wounds — the other part was finding safety in being seen for all of me and holding space for others as they shared their journey towards their own truths. Introspect in solitude, heal in community.

While exploring what the path to flourishing looked like for me, I was also studying how we might foster collective flourishing and the role our communities and institutions play. Day-to-day, I found that while I loved writing and contemplating the theoretical in the mornings, I longed for a way to debate and actualize those ideas in the evenings. For me, it wasn’t enough to just theorize and reimagine what human flourishing could look like in the 21st century — I wanted to go out into the world to debate, experiment, and redefine our modern culture in community with others. Plus, the part of me that loves organization and community building was ready to re-engage.

As fate would have it, soon after I acknowledged that I was ready to partner with collaborators in my next season, an opportunity to join the team and take The Commons to the next level emerged. Over the summer, I joined Patricia and Adi with a focus on upleveling our community programming, external partnerships, and member experience. As I onboarded, we shared our hopes and dreams for The Commons, refined the vision and mission, and debated the role our institution plays in tackling the meta crises.

As we embark on the next horizon of The Commons, I’m spearheading several initiatives as the General Manager to make good on our vision including:

1. Building our Town Square program where we partner with values-aligned practitioners, writers, creators, builders, and organizations across domains who are pushing the boundaries of intellectual, spiritual, emotional, creative, and civic development

   • Town Square events take shape in the form of workshops, fireside chats, salon, lecture series, and everything in between. While our member-run programming remains a cornerstone of The Commons, we’re investing our energy in welcoming more external experts to the space to learn from the forerunners across domains and learn what it takes to be a truly pluralistic square where all perspectives are welcome

   • This gives our members the freedom to channel their most whimsical, playful energy into hosting their own niche events rather than being stifled by a need to put on experiences that cater to the broader community

   • Town Square is designed around four pillars: helping our members 1) explore life’s bigger questions, 2) resolve and integrate our past, 3) expand into new perspectives, and 4) define our purpose in the world and self-actualize

   • Here’s a sampling of our events: A New Psychology of Ambition with

     Dr. Gena Gorlin
     , Building a Personal Spiritual Practice with Michael McCord, The Good Enough Job with
     Simone Stolzoff
     , The US & San Francisco's Economies with
     Noah Smith

2. Designing social rituals in pursuit of creating cohesion and a sense of belonging within our community in an era where traditional institutions no longer guide us in meaning-making, celebrating the passage of time, honoring our identities, and mourning the cycle of life

3. Elevating our Commons Clubs, a number of long-standing and emerging member run organizations that have become features of our community experience

   • Over time, we intend to build the infrastructure to support our members as they incubate their unique forms of self-expression. A few organizations at the forefront of piloting that vision are

     SF Writing Club
     ,
     SF Contemplarium
     , and Conscious Tech Collective (CTC)

This is just the beginning. For now, we’ve proven that The Commons is a socially and financially viable experiment. We’ll continue to push the edges of what The Commons can become.

What began as an intention to create a community living room to call our second home — a wholesome alternative to the pervasive bar scene — has transformed into so much more. A space to pause, explore the many dimensions of ourselves, shed old identities, and step into new ones. Since the beginning, thousands of people have come through our doors. We hope that thousands more will find their way here in pursuit of their inner truth and unfolding into fuller expressions of themselves.

If you’re interested in following along, you can find us on Twitter and soon, Substack. Stop by for a public event or apply to join our community!

Substack & the book

In addition to my coursework, writing this Substack will continue to serve as my main outlet for expressing the ideas I’m wrestling with. In the coming weeks and months, I hope to publish more of the academic side of my work as well as some inner workings of my day-to-day. You can expect to see experiments in format and cadence for the foreseeable future.

At the end of last year, I shared that I was writing a book called Joy in Mourning a Life that Could’ve Been. A rookie mistake. I had a few chapters written, but as I sat down to feel into the narrative of the book, I realized that another story felt more urgent and alive in me. And so, as to not make the same mistake twice, I’ll work on the real first book some more before sharing it more broadly :)

Paid subscribers: you’ll receive a signed and dedicated copy of this first book — a big, heartfelt thank you for your support.

And to the nearly 1000 other subscribers (!!) that have joined along the way: thank you for being here. I’ve found my work to be most meaningful when I’m able to keep it largely free and accessible to everyone. Over time, I intend to transition to a buy-me-a-tea model and reframe the paid subscription as a way to support (and fuel) my book writing. In the meantime, I plan to run some fun experiments for paid supporters.

If my writing has touched or inspired you in some way, consider buying me a cup of tea.

And so, that’s my current season of life as I know it. Basking in the privilege to grapple with the theory in the city where positive psychology and our nation was birthed while experimenting and actualizing those ideas in a city where we stand at the edge of tomorrow.

Thank you for being on this journey with me. Being seen by this community has played a large role in giving me the courage and confidence to step into my full self-expression and do the work most meaningful to me. I hope to play a small part in inspiring you to step into your own self-expression.

Your support means the world to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ♥️ 

These are the questions guiding this season of life:

Grappling with the big questions

Thank you to Tom for introducing me to positive psychology, to Rick, Casey, and Deena for supporting me on my journey to Penn, to the MAPP team for welcoming me into the program, to Patricia and Adi for entrusting me to join you in stewarding us into the next season of The Commons, to friends who have supported me in a multitude of ways, and to Ryan for relentlessly being my hype man on this journey.