The unraveling of old family scripts
on breaking generational cycles
This essay is Part II of a series on learning to reclaim our cultural shadows, bridging our identity between two worlds, and co-creating new dynamics with our parents.
Part I: Finding home between two worlds
Part II: The unraveling of old family scripts
Part III: How to travel with your parents and not lose your shit
💭 Paid supporters: I’m hosting an online circle next Thursday, 5/23, at 3pm (PT) to discuss the themes I’m exploring in this series like integrating our cultural shadows and healing our relationships with our parents. RSVP here.
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Over the last few years, I’ve committed a lot of time and energy to repairing my relationship with my parents and my heritage by first leveling with myself.
As a result, I’ve gotten to know myself in the absence of my family, carving out the space and distance I needed to build a stronger sense of self. Doing the work in solitude was pivotal in getting me to a place where I felt ready to put my work to the test.
That test came recently in the form of our first full family trip — my parents, my brother, my husband, my brother’s wife, and me. It was the first time the six of us were traveling together since we’d welcomed my husband, Ryan, and sister-in-law, Krysta, to the family. This trip was a pilgrimage back to China for us and an introduction to our heritage for them.
If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.
— Ram Dass
On the flight over, I reflected on what I needed to prioritize in order to show up fully present each day. There were four things:
Time and space to meditate and journal in the mornings
A workout on the days we weren’t walking much
~8 hours of sleep every night
Fueling my body with relatively healthy and whole foods
As I tuned into my needs, I became curious what everyone else needed to feel like themselves. And so, to kick off the trip, I led an opening circle to set intentions for our time together — a moment to mark our arrival and ground into the reality that the trip was beginning.
As we each went around, sharing our hopes, dreams, fears, and needs for the trip, a feeling of easefulness washed over me. In getting centered with how I wanted to show up, I was able to articulate to everyone else what I needed and invite them to reflect on what they needed from the rest of us.
The opening circle gave me a lens into everyone else’s inner worlds, enabling me to cultivate spaciousness to honor their needs and set boundaries when necessary.
No one, not even our parents, knows our inherent needs. And, all too often, even we can feel detached from our own desires. The act of turning inward is the first step in resourcing ourselves in a way that allows us to fully show up, work at chipping away at old patterns, and make space for something beautiful to emerge.
fire meets water
Prior to the trip, I was subconsciously taking the path of least resistance, minimizing interactions with my parents in an effort to curate the perfect conditions to keep my activations at bay.
As the trip unfolded, triggering interactions inevitably emerged and yet, I found myself connecting with my activated parts and my parents in new ways.
Conversations that would once devolve into arguments became empowering as I reprocessed old stories — frozen in time — and took responsibility for co-creating new dynamics in our relationship. The fiery demeanor that once took hold of me whenever I was activated by them began to simmer. Rather than raise my voice at the first sign of discord, I found myself pausing and taking in the moment before responding.
It became clear just how much power I now held, as an adult, to fully resource myself and meet my formally unmet needs.
With clarity about how I wanted to show up, I meditated and grounded myself every morning in the reality of how special and rare time in China with my family was. From this vantage point, I began to view our exchanges as gold — new material to work with.
to know ourselves is to know our family
As we settled into our time together and worked through shifting old dynamics, I felt blurry parts of myself come into sharp focus.
Quirks of mine deciphered as I observed my brother interacting with his wife.
Beliefs of mine demystified as I listened to my parents speaking with our relatives.
It was as if our time together was the light I needed to illuminate dormant, inaccessible parts of who I was and who I was becoming. For the first time, I felt a profound kinship for the family, lineage, and heritage I belong to.
What I resisted for so long — spending ample time with them — was the exact experience I needed to understand myself more deeply and heal old core wounds.
them before us
As we spent time with my parents’ siblings, parents, and extended family, I began to see traces of who they were when they were young and before my brother and I entered their worlds.
It dawned on me they were once children too — with their own hopes, dreams, fears, and unmet needs. I began to find myself far more attuned to what was triggering them — running behind schedule, being exhausted, etc. — which in turn used to trigger me. Many of their assumptions and reactions were a direct result of the culture and environments they were raised in.
While I’d heard about the hardships they endured in order to build this life for us in the US, I’d never fully grasped just how different their upbringing was. I was struck by just how much I’d assumed about their lives and misunderstood about them.
For one, I hadn’t appreciated the gravity of how fragile their lives were when they were my age. As they immigrated to Sweden then to the US, a few wrong moves could threaten to unravel months and years of progress towards their dreams.
Now, we talk about shedding the scarcity mindset, but for immigrants coming to a new land in the 90s, life was defined by scarcity and the unknown. It’s only because my parents overcame the struggle that defined their early years that I now have the honor to experiment with pursuing a life of self-expression.
Growing up, I thought they had it all figured out. It’s only now that I see how far from the truth that is.
The more I see my parents as human beings with faults and flaws — the more love I feel for them and the more I soften to the idea of becoming a parent myself. I’m learning to accept myself for all my faults and flaws, acknowledging that when the time comes, we’ll do the best we can — like generations and generations before us.
the dawn of a new cycle
As I reflect on the trajectory of my relationship with my parents and our heritage, I’m filled with gratitude, knowing this is just the beginning. I feel at peace knowing that my children will be born into a lineage that’s doing the work and that they’ll have the privilege of growing up in a world even more blended and integrated than ours.
When I first started out on my introspection journey, I couldn’t have fathomed the rippling impact that doing the work would have on my lineage. Now, as a result of learning to live in my truth, I aspire to break the cycles of past generations and consciously birth our next generation into a home, a society where they can feel a deep wholeness and connection with our cultures. The path to actualizing that reality begins with me coming home to myself, over and over again.
My parents gave me the gift of life and in return, I’m doing the work to show up as the daughter they deserve in service of giving them the gift of healing their (and our) past.
I think of all the words unsaid, emotions unfelt, stories untold, and memories unmade — all that love and depth we would’ve missed out on in this lifetime had I not had the courage to hold my darkest secrets to the light.
Thanks for reading! I’m curious to hear:
How has your relationship with your parents and your heritage evolved?
What parts of yourself have been illuminated as a result of getting to know your family?
Let me know in the comments or say hi on Twitter :)
If you enjoyed this essay, you may also like:
Thanks to Ryan for reviewing drafts of this essay.
Awesome read!
Very impressed with your efforts to understand your family and their circumstances
I truly believe that your family is blessed to have you .
Respect!— For your whole family but especially to you and Kyrsta! Based on the 2 questions you've asked, you could create a whole series with guest posts &/or Q&A exchanges!
My relationships with family have evolved, but as a first-generation UK-born Chinese, my relationship with my heritage has not changed.
To paraphrase Maya Angelou, I feel like I've belonged everywhere, and nowhere . The price has been high, but I feel very free and true to myself.
[“You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great,” Angelou told Bill Moyers in a 1973 interview.]
Lots we could discuss!