In pursuit of our inhibitions

the courage to live in our (sober) truth

and

Sep 29, 2024

Over the last year of writing on Substack, I’ve had the privilege of connecting with writers who also grapple with our human nature, what it means to flourish in the 21st century, and how to find our way back to ourselves. I’ve been interested in finding ways to collaborate with these writers and I’m excited to share the first of what I hope seeds many future collaborations.

For this piece, I’m excited to welcome

Donna McArthur

, a fellow truth seeker and lover of all things scientific and spiritual. Donna is the author of The Bright Life, a Substack centered around helping us tune into our intuition and cultivating the courage to follow it.

We both care deeply about reconnecting with our true nature and decided to explore how our relationships with alcohol have kept us from convening with our inner truth.

My own relationship with alcohol has been complicated. In high school, I proudly repped my identity as a “straight edge.” No drugs or alcohol for me. I was fortunate that most of my friends didn’t turn to alcohol for a good time. Sober fun suited us.

My rebellious streak manifested in other ways, but whether it was pride from winning the D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) essay contest in 5th grade or simply a lack of desire to numb myself during what I consider some of my favorite years, keeping my promise to 11 year old me felt important.

This all changed when I set off for college and was met with new levels of freedom. Like most people, I adapted to the culture I found myself in. Known as the college capital of America, Boston has a drinking culture that permeates its social scene. There are an infinite number of places to drink and so, I drank.

By the time graduation rolled around, I’d been indoctrinated into believing that drinking was the most effective way to have fun. When I entered the workforce, the primary source of connection with the people I worked with was numbing ourselves after a stressful day and going out to the bars. Losing our inhibitions together seemed central to letting our guards down and allowing our true selves to emerge. This culture of connection was prevalent on most of the teams I worked with in my twenties.

And then, several years ago, I moved to San Francisco and found myself navigating an entirely new culture: one where dozens of things to do are thrown in the mix before “let’s go to the bar” gets tossed out as an idea. Coincidentally, at the time, we were just starting to see the movement towards sobriety take off and an emergence of non-alcoholic alternatives. I suspect that it’s a trend that’s here to stay.

As I’ve gotten to know myself more deeply and aligned my life and work to fuel my soul, my days are far more precious than they used to be. It’s no longer worth wasting even a second nursing the hangover that inevitably surfaces the morning after. I want to spend every moment of my days as sharp and clear as possible. Rather than rely on reaching for a drink to be in connection with the people around me, I’ve found that living in my sober truth is far more conducive to building meaningful relationships.

The more engaged I am with my life, the less desire I have to escape the present moment. This is no slight to people who enjoy a drink here or there. But, speaking as someone who binge drank her way through her early twenties, if you find yourself reaching for a drink on the daily or any time life gets uncomfortable, it might be worth asking yourself: Are you numbing yourself? What are you escaping from?

There’s a sense that life becomes more enjoyable when we’re free of our inhibitions, but what might our inhibitions be telling us? The first step is taking stock of the things that keep us out of connection with ourselves.

Whether we’re conscious of it or not, we’re all in search of ways to come alive. Our drinking culture has ingrained in us the illusion we’ll find aliveness at the bottom of the glass. But, what if there were other paths towards genuine, sober, unencumbered aliveness?

Donna’s journey in finding her way back to herself began by making the decision to put down the glass once and for all. Without further ado:

Donna McArthur

—

Cissy Hu

Living an examined life begins with getting in tune with an inner knowing about our true nature and what’s important to us. This can be a slow, gradual unlearning of our conditioning or a sudden life change that requires us to dig deep. I have experienced both routes of growth.

Growing up, I was never taught how to honor the highest part of me. Looking at things with a wider lens, including turning that vision inward, was not part of my upbringing. I found as I got older I had to figure this out for myself. It was expected that I would be a good girl who followed a traditional path. In retrospect, I can see the choices I made in early adulthood created a false sense of freedom while I was trying to figure out who I was.

Most of these decisions involved partying and alcohol. As a result of not knowing myself, I was very social, constantly trying on as many different personas as possible to arrive at one that fit me best. For better or worse, I could adapt myself to whoever I was surrounded by rather than be secure in my own way of being. The tool I used for this adaptation was alcohol and, while it was very effective for partying, it masked who I was on the inside.

I learned to drink in my mid-teens so I don’t know my fledgling self without alcohol. Drinking allowed me to feel a sense of sovereignty, but as the years went by, it held me back from the inner growth I desired.

Each year I felt a little less joyful and slightly more run down while continuing to live a full life raising a family, being in private clinical practice, teaching, and writing online. I would feel I needed a glass of wine to unwind after a busy day, only to wake in the morning feeling much less than my best self — again and again for years.

Deep down, I knew I should stop drinking and this thought lingered in the background for years before I finally got on board. There was no specific event that made me decide to stop. In fact, I never thought I would quit simply because I enjoyed it so much! However, on those days when I woke up much more tired than I should be, my inner self would say things like this really isn’t working, but I would ignore her. For a long time, I downplayed the cost of doing nothing until I recognized I was likely going to arrive at the end of my life only to realize I did not live it and I began to play with the idea of finally getting a divorce from my beloved wine.

Perhaps it’s a fear of the unknown, dancing at the edges of our being, that keeps us distracted. I’ve found that when we turn and face ourselves square on, examining what we see in the mirror, we can grow our inner strength and gain personal freedom. Self-knowledge allows us a greater ability to be intentional about our reactions which is the one thing in the world we can control.

What was your relationship with alcohol growing up?

I grew up learning to drink like it was an Olympic sport and I was a champion. Alcohol was an acceptable part of the culture I was raised in and, perhaps because of that, I developed mad partying skills at a very early age. Once I passed my mid-twenties, my drinking changed because I stopped partying. I was in professional school, got married, and started in private practice. There was no passing out, no vomiting, no missed work, no DUI, no trauma. But, there was the frequent regret of letting myself down and losing respect for myself.

I was living the life the singer, Garth Brooks, talks about when he said, “I’m much too young to feel this damn old.”

What inspired you to part ways with alcohol?

One of the driving forces that prompted me to make a change was recognizing that each year I seemed to feel more run down than the year before. I would wake each morning feeling like I didn’t have much energy and needed to kickstart myself to get going. It was as if the world outside my head was beige colored and I had a subtle, but persistent nagging sensation.

I began to research what alcohol does to our brain and how it neurologically robs us of our ability to feel joy. I learned the statistics that show with each passing year, we will drink more than the year before. I realized how I was being manipulated and marketed to by the alcohol industry.

But mostly, my decision to put down alcohol was rooted in my desire to cultivate self-respect and to know, at the deepest level, that I was living true to my highest self. I realized almost all of the people I looked up to lived a sober lifestyle. When we are craving something and have a habit that makes us feel lousy, we are not free. That wasn’t the life I wanted for myself.

What is your relationship with alcohol like now?

I treat my sobriety like a lover. I cherish and nurture it. I recognize it could be gone in a heartbeat and I don’t take it for granted. That being said, I almost never think about it! I still have a rare, brief longing for a glass of wine that can sneak up when I’m tired and want to turn away from the voice in my head. Now, I am familiar with the cravings and have many tools to manage them, but what remains my north star is my commitment to myself.

What words of wisdom would you share with someone who feels called to part ways with alcohol, but is struggling to muster up the courage to take the leap?

There is no one right way to make any important lifestyle change. I would encourage you to begin paying very close attention to how that thing, in this case alcohol, makes you feel before, during and after you have it. Notice, in detail, over and over again, how it’s affecting your life.

We cannot transform if we are not acutely aware of what we want to shift and why we want to do it. It is very difficult to make a change this big alone so consider what may be the best way for you to go about it.

I didn’t want to join a group IRL (although AA is an excellent program that has helped so many people). I began listening to podcasts about people who got sober. I read books. I told my husband I planned to quit and got his full support. I also joined an online group called She Recovers which offers many resources and helped me a great deal. Lastly, I did a ton of research while I was still drinking.

I learned about what alcohol does to our brain. I developed a plan of what I would do when I wanted to have a glass of wine, how to manage the craving, and what to expect. I laid the foundation so when I quit, I was very prepared and my chance of success was higher.

The most important thing is to recognize that, no matter how much or little you drink, your brain has been changed by alcohol and that willpower does not work.

There are many people who have walked this path before you – they can offer you suggestions and support so find others along the way and make yourself a plan. I have yet to meet a person who has quit drinking who does not feel it’s one of the best things they have ever done.

I'm convinced we each have gifts to share with those around us, but often those gifts are masked by the difficulties life has handed us. When we stop drinking, or let go of the things that allow us to be distracted or numb (like doomscrolling), we’re allowing ourselves to feel our feelings and engage with our surroundings in a different way.

Living a sober life has allowed me to earn renewed respect for myself, think clearly, and build a relationship with myself in a deeply meaningful way.

I know I can do hard things and I know you can too.

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Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed this collaboration. Let us know in the comments how your relationship with alcohol has evolved or say hi on Twitter :)

becoming | more myself

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