I learned this framework not too long ago. I find it helpful, and I keep coming back to it in my mind:
• *Expectations* are limits we would like to place on other people’s behavior. (“I need you to knock before entering my room.” “Please don’t call me after 10pm.”)
• *Boundaries* are limits we choose to place on our own behavior. (“If you talk to me like that again, I’m leaving.” “I don’t pick up the phone after 10pm.”)
There’s a lot of moral and cultural confusion because people often talk about “crossed boundaries” when what they really mean is “unmet expectations” (as defined above).
Unmet expectations can pose a serious problem in relationships. They can traumatize. They can constitute major ethical violations and social breaches. They’re not exactly the same thing as “crossed boundaries”, though, because they’re fundamentally a conflict with someone else’s free will.
The meaning of “boundary-crossing” is when you violate your own protective self-limits. Choosing to pick up the phone after 10pm, for example, even though you promised yourself you wouldn’t.
Sometimes we reach for the moral urgency of language about “crossed boundaries” because we find ourselves re-experiencing complex trauma—for instance, when our parents are treating us badly. We want to grab hold of some clout and use it in self-defense and self-advocacy. In those cases, I think natural clout already lies in the importance and validity of the relational rupture itself. The emotional maltreatment of a child is no trivial matter at all, although the people responsible for it will generally stonewall and insist otherwise.
appreciate this delineation between expectations and boundaries – easy to confuse when we often don't see good examples of what honoring our own boundaries looks like (and likely even more true for the generations before us). takes a lot to learn honoring our own boundaries and breaking the cycles
thank you for sharing, this really resonated with me! i’m also home visiting my family, and having experienced a healthy relationship, am unlearning all the usual patterns of behaviour that i’ve grown up with. my relationship with them has actually gotten better after having moved away as an adult, and i think i need to learn how to set better boundaries with them too while i am here.
Thank you for taking the time to write and share this meaningful post it’s beautifully articulated and resonated deeply. Have an enjoyable, healing time with your parents Cissy.
It is always so heart warming to read your thought process and analysis of your feelings.
Thanks for sharing and making us ( a generation older than yours ) understand how much this generation is smart and mature and trying their best to understand and love their parents
Enjoy all the love and understanding both from your parents and partner
"burdened by our old dynamics", the Ekhart Tolle quote, striving for empathy and patience, and most of all treasuring the tail end of our cumulative time with our parents - these resonated powerfully and emotionally with me.
Coming home for this holidays season, I had the singular goal of bringing the raw, open-hearted self-discovery / mutual communion I had experienced at the Commons to members of my family. We love each other, but our lack of communication culture leads to misunderstandings. Done consistently over enough years and it's bred mutual cynicism. It feels like a Gordian knot that I'm trying to untangle, but elegantly it seems like the analogy also extends to the optimal strategy: "gently work at it by identifying individual strands, loosening the knot as much as possible, and carefully separating them one at a time, avoiding pulling too hard which can tighten the knot further".
absolutely love the Gordian knot analogy – rooting for you as you continue to deepen the open-hearted stance you're cultivating at The Commons back home :)
Beautifully written! It also shows a maturity in your emotional intelligence. I do believe our generations has more of it and dedicate more time to understanding their behaviour, its trigger and trying to fix them. It does come from the fact that we worry less about survival. We still do but to the same extent immigrant families do. I often find myself exploring these topics with my mum. Topics she has never thought about. I find it beautiful, it paves the start of a different relationship with our parents. One that comes from maturity and wanting to do better, not from I depend on you for survival.
💯 I constantly find myself feeling grateful that we're apart of a generation that has more spaciousness around turning inward as a result of the baseline security that our parents fought for. it feels so meaningful to gift them with this work we're doing and start to cultivate a deeper relationship with them
I so appreciate this share and perspective, Cissy. I’m dealing with healing dynamics after the passing of both parents and a sibling. Each one passed abruptly and before I had my own alone time in life. I find myself also walking your empathy path, but only through memories. It’s perhaps easier for me at times because the active triggering is behind me.
Wishing you safe travels home from Beijing and comfort for your grandmother and family in the coming months.
thanks for sharing, Teresa – I'm moved by the strength you've cultivated over your lifetime and the work you're doing through memories 🤍 I miss you all already, deeply appreciate all the love :)
I learned this framework not too long ago. I find it helpful, and I keep coming back to it in my mind:
• *Expectations* are limits we would like to place on other people’s behavior. (“I need you to knock before entering my room.” “Please don’t call me after 10pm.”)
• *Boundaries* are limits we choose to place on our own behavior. (“If you talk to me like that again, I’m leaving.” “I don’t pick up the phone after 10pm.”)
There’s a lot of moral and cultural confusion because people often talk about “crossed boundaries” when what they really mean is “unmet expectations” (as defined above).
Unmet expectations can pose a serious problem in relationships. They can traumatize. They can constitute major ethical violations and social breaches. They’re not exactly the same thing as “crossed boundaries”, though, because they’re fundamentally a conflict with someone else’s free will.
The meaning of “boundary-crossing” is when you violate your own protective self-limits. Choosing to pick up the phone after 10pm, for example, even though you promised yourself you wouldn’t.
Sometimes we reach for the moral urgency of language about “crossed boundaries” because we find ourselves re-experiencing complex trauma—for instance, when our parents are treating us badly. We want to grab hold of some clout and use it in self-defense and self-advocacy. In those cases, I think natural clout already lies in the importance and validity of the relational rupture itself. The emotional maltreatment of a child is no trivial matter at all, although the people responsible for it will generally stonewall and insist otherwise.
appreciate this delineation between expectations and boundaries – easy to confuse when we often don't see good examples of what honoring our own boundaries looks like (and likely even more true for the generations before us). takes a lot to learn honoring our own boundaries and breaking the cycles
thank you for sharing, this really resonated with me! i’m also home visiting my family, and having experienced a healthy relationship, am unlearning all the usual patterns of behaviour that i’ve grown up with. my relationship with them has actually gotten better after having moved away as an adult, and i think i need to learn how to set better boundaries with them too while i am here.
so glad it resonated, Flo :) hope you had a meaningful time back home! turns out, distance (and boundaries!) truly does make the heart grow fonder
Thank you for taking the time to write and share this meaningful post it’s beautifully articulated and resonated deeply. Have an enjoyable, healing time with your parents Cissy.
thanks, Kath – so glad it resonated 🤍
It is always so heart warming to read your thought process and analysis of your feelings.
Thanks for sharing and making us ( a generation older than yours ) understand how much this generation is smart and mature and trying their best to understand and love their parents
Enjoy all the love and understanding both from your parents and partner
Good wishes.
thanks for your kind words, Anjna – always appreciate your comments :)
Thanks so much for sharing, Cissy!
"burdened by our old dynamics", the Ekhart Tolle quote, striving for empathy and patience, and most of all treasuring the tail end of our cumulative time with our parents - these resonated powerfully and emotionally with me.
Coming home for this holidays season, I had the singular goal of bringing the raw, open-hearted self-discovery / mutual communion I had experienced at the Commons to members of my family. We love each other, but our lack of communication culture leads to misunderstandings. Done consistently over enough years and it's bred mutual cynicism. It feels like a Gordian knot that I'm trying to untangle, but elegantly it seems like the analogy also extends to the optimal strategy: "gently work at it by identifying individual strands, loosening the knot as much as possible, and carefully separating them one at a time, avoiding pulling too hard which can tighten the knot further".
absolutely love the Gordian knot analogy – rooting for you as you continue to deepen the open-hearted stance you're cultivating at The Commons back home :)
Beautifully written! It also shows a maturity in your emotional intelligence. I do believe our generations has more of it and dedicate more time to understanding their behaviour, its trigger and trying to fix them. It does come from the fact that we worry less about survival. We still do but to the same extent immigrant families do. I often find myself exploring these topics with my mum. Topics she has never thought about. I find it beautiful, it paves the start of a different relationship with our parents. One that comes from maturity and wanting to do better, not from I depend on you for survival.
💯 I constantly find myself feeling grateful that we're apart of a generation that has more spaciousness around turning inward as a result of the baseline security that our parents fought for. it feels so meaningful to gift them with this work we're doing and start to cultivate a deeper relationship with them
I so appreciate this share and perspective, Cissy. I’m dealing with healing dynamics after the passing of both parents and a sibling. Each one passed abruptly and before I had my own alone time in life. I find myself also walking your empathy path, but only through memories. It’s perhaps easier for me at times because the active triggering is behind me.
Wishing you safe travels home from Beijing and comfort for your grandmother and family in the coming months.
thanks for sharing, Teresa – I'm moved by the strength you've cultivated over your lifetime and the work you're doing through memories 🤍 I miss you all already, deeply appreciate all the love :)