This deeply resonates with my experience and where I am. I appreciate that the existential crisis is not portrayed as one and done; it’s complicated and can never be fully vanquished.
These days I find deep release in activities where the superego (as one commenter aptly put it) is subordinate, rather than in control. And in doing so, I feel like I’m starting to very slowly unearth my real self.
It isn’t what I expected exactly, but that’s how I know it’s the real thing.
glad to hear this essay resonated as you venture on this journey towards doing the things that bring you closer to your truest self! it's amazing what new nuggets of information emerge about ourselves along the way when we focus on that what we *want* vs what we *should* want
"Like a muscle atrophies without proper exercise, we allow our intuition to atrophy when we outsource our life decision to others. Start small. Build confidence in your ability to make small decisions with no one’s input but your own. The more I’ve cultivated my instinct and brought awareness to the ways I should myself, the easier it’s been for me to make decisions from a place of self-trust. Trust that I have my best interest in mind. Trust that I’m not living a life of other people’s expectations of who I should be."
I think this is major and a great on-ramp for people reading this piece. A lot of pieces flag the lack of internal direction that the author is experiencing but fail to provide something for the reader to chew & go off of. 😄
thanks, Kiran – glad that nugget resonated as an entry point :) developing intuition is hard especially if we've gotten comfortable with relying on others! but the reality is we have opportunities to flex the muscle in small ways every day
"The work of separating ourselves from societal and self-imposed shoulds is a lifelong practice. Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate if pushing forward is an act of giving into societal conditioning or an act of discipline. " - Such great insights, thanks for sharing Cissy!
I first heard about not shoulding on yourself and others about five years ago. Since then I’ve certainly should on myself far fewer times but still have my moments.
In some ways life can be easier living up to the expectations of others, but easier is oftentimes less fulfilling. I’m glad you’re seeing the little tests along the way and carving your own path to live your life on your own terms.
Your post was amazing, to put it simply. I wish I could highlight so many lines here (can you tell I'm too used to Medium?)
It's really admirable that you had the strength to realize something wasn't working for you, the courage to change it, and the serenity that it takes to accept all the weird little feelings and "should"-sensations that come along with that.
glad this essay resonated with you, Chloe. it's a lifelong journey with new shoulds emerging in every season of life – here's to gently shedding the shoulds in exchange for actualizing our truest desires!
I feel the same way about highlighting – I use Readwise's Reader & I start my day reviewing my favorite highlights :)
Whew. Felt that one. There's nothing quite like the crushing psychological weight of an unchecked superego. And then to realize it was a phantom all along held together by the duct tape of expectation and the glue of guilt, shame and inadequacy.
May you weather your next bout of existential angst with tenderhearted lightness.
thanks for sharing, David! love the candor around your experience and how you've evolved your relationship with time from loaning Google 40+ hours of your week to making it solely your own
I love this! Moving from should -> a life that's driven by my own intuition is a big part of my sabbatical journey and this post did such an incredible job capturing it! This sentence hit hard:
A lifetime of playing within the boundaries of the box and turning towards others to define the parameters. Somewhere along the way, we stop turning toward ourselves to ask, "What do I think?”
And this:
The numbness I felt was the result of continuously choosing to ride the gondola in the direction of someone else’s definition of success, moving further and further from my own intuition of a life well lived. When we feel internal turmoil, it’s a signal from our body to rethink our assumptions. While it’s natural to turn to everyone else — anyone else — for wisdom, take the time to experiment with cultivating your self-trust. Your instincts are far stronger than you realize.
Reframing the dread as an opportunity for something more positive is definitely more helpful in forming a relationship with this part of ourselves!
Acknowledging existential dread as intuition growing pains helps us appreciate that the dread is what will move us towards shaking up our current existence :)
This deeply resonates with my experience and where I am. I appreciate that the existential crisis is not portrayed as one and done; it’s complicated and can never be fully vanquished.
These days I find deep release in activities where the superego (as one commenter aptly put it) is subordinate, rather than in control. And in doing so, I feel like I’m starting to very slowly unearth my real self.
It isn’t what I expected exactly, but that’s how I know it’s the real thing.
glad to hear this essay resonated as you venture on this journey towards doing the things that bring you closer to your truest self! it's amazing what new nuggets of information emerge about ourselves along the way when we focus on that what we *want* vs what we *should* want
"Like a muscle atrophies without proper exercise, we allow our intuition to atrophy when we outsource our life decision to others. Start small. Build confidence in your ability to make small decisions with no one’s input but your own. The more I’ve cultivated my instinct and brought awareness to the ways I should myself, the easier it’s been for me to make decisions from a place of self-trust. Trust that I have my best interest in mind. Trust that I’m not living a life of other people’s expectations of who I should be."
I think this is major and a great on-ramp for people reading this piece. A lot of pieces flag the lack of internal direction that the author is experiencing but fail to provide something for the reader to chew & go off of. 😄
thanks, Kiran – glad that nugget resonated as an entry point :) developing intuition is hard especially if we've gotten comfortable with relying on others! but the reality is we have opportunities to flex the muscle in small ways every day
"The work of separating ourselves from societal and self-imposed shoulds is a lifelong practice. Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate if pushing forward is an act of giving into societal conditioning or an act of discipline. " - Such great insights, thanks for sharing Cissy!
Thanks for helping me get to clarity, Bennett :)
i love this so so much
glad it resonates, Karine 🤍
I first heard about not shoulding on yourself and others about five years ago. Since then I’ve certainly should on myself far fewer times but still have my moments.
In some ways life can be easier living up to the expectations of others, but easier is oftentimes less fulfilling. I’m glad you’re seeing the little tests along the way and carving your own path to live your life on your own terms.
glad to hear I'm in good company :)
that reminds of Jerzy Gregorek's quote: “hard choices, easy life. easy choices, hard life.”
our paths may feel "harder" day by day, but when we zoom out on the map, we find ourselves walking *our* path vs someone else's
Your post was amazing, to put it simply. I wish I could highlight so many lines here (can you tell I'm too used to Medium?)
It's really admirable that you had the strength to realize something wasn't working for you, the courage to change it, and the serenity that it takes to accept all the weird little feelings and "should"-sensations that come along with that.
glad this essay resonated with you, Chloe. it's a lifelong journey with new shoulds emerging in every season of life – here's to gently shedding the shoulds in exchange for actualizing our truest desires!
I feel the same way about highlighting – I use Readwise's Reader & I start my day reviewing my favorite highlights :)
Whew. Felt that one. There's nothing quite like the crushing psychological weight of an unchecked superego. And then to realize it was a phantom all along held together by the duct tape of expectation and the glue of guilt, shame and inadequacy.
May you weather your next bout of existential angst with tenderhearted lightness.
beautifully said, Tai – so much of the resistance stems from the feeling of inadequacy and not being "enough," keeping us on a path of the shoulds
same to you :)
This is so good! Resisting "should-ing on your self" is a life-long practice. Feeling my way out of this was a big topic of my first essay about getting laid off: https://materialspiritualist.substack.com/p/so-what-have-you-been-doing-with
thanks for sharing, David! love the candor around your experience and how you've evolved your relationship with time from loaning Google 40+ hours of your week to making it solely your own
A great reminder that shoulda shouldn't drive us. Really good stuff, Cissy!
thanks for reading, Becky :)
🔥
I love this! Moving from should -> a life that's driven by my own intuition is a big part of my sabbatical journey and this post did such an incredible job capturing it! This sentence hit hard:
A lifetime of playing within the boundaries of the box and turning towards others to define the parameters. Somewhere along the way, we stop turning toward ourselves to ask, "What do I think?”
And this:
The numbness I felt was the result of continuously choosing to ride the gondola in the direction of someone else’s definition of success, moving further and further from my own intuition of a life well lived. When we feel internal turmoil, it’s a signal from our body to rethink our assumptions. While it’s natural to turn to everyone else — anyone else — for wisdom, take the time to experiment with cultivating your self-trust. Your instincts are far stronger than you realize.
Reframing the dread as an opportunity for something more positive is definitely more helpful in forming a relationship with this part of ourselves!
Acknowledging existential dread as intuition growing pains helps us appreciate that the dread is what will move us towards shaking up our current existence :)